come_to_think

An article in Harvard Magazine on the neurology of depression lists its symptoms: "extreme self-criticism and suicidal thoughts, loss of interest in activities that were once fun and satisfying, changes in sleep patterns and appetite".

Extreme self-criticism and suicidal thoughts: Every hour of the day. I think I am probably the worst human being I have ever met. (Of course, far worse people are in the news, but fame selects them.) I think it would be right for me to kill myself, if only I could do it reliably & considerately.

Loss of interest in activities that were once fun and satisfying: Hasn't happened. I get a lot of fun out of life, from the things I have always enjoyed. Indeed, if one could measure such things, it might well turn out that I am happier than most people, because I am less inhibited in my pleasures by convention & fashion. It is in what might be called felicificity (happiness per unit luck) that I stand a good chance of being in the bottom percentile.

Changes in sleep patterns: I have always had somewhat irregular sleeping habits (occasional trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep), but there has been very little change over the years. I take more naps than I used to, but I gather that is usual as one gets older.

And appetite: Hell, no. Food & its surrounding rituals, from cooking to farting, are a reliable source of pleasure to me. I have only lost my appetite a few times in my life --- most recently, when I had a bad flu a few years ago.

The researchers in the article looked at what parts of the brain light up when people are criticized. I have a great deal of trouble handling criticism, or any kind of real or potential conflict. That inhibits other people from being frank with me, and helps drive them away. Maybe my whole brain would light up. %^)